Sunday, January 2, 2011

Conversations with the inner self.

'Oh why! Oh why!' My inner self screams in exasperation. It yells to me, 'You are never going to follow it, then why waste the time and effort'. But, I constantly battle with my inner self, it has almost become a day to day hobby to do when I am bored. So, as a habit I said - 'You shut up, I will stick to it this time'. My inner self just grunted again in disapproval.

So I sat thinking. What will I resolve to this year. Hmmmmm..

'What did you resolve last year?' My inner self quipped in sneaking behind my shoulder peering into my computer screen as I sat thinking.

'Last year?' I say absently and think.

'You dont even remember? ' my inner self asked me sarcastically

'The past does not matter, the present does' I say irritably at the sarcasm.

My inner self waits for me to continue.

'I mean, its over, why cry over split milk. Yes, it was a good year, better than the previous one, but I still wish it was better.There is a whole new year ahead. Lets start new. Lets look at it fresh. Lets do things different' I smile with amusement, imagining what different things I would like to do. My imagination runs from as high as hanging from a cliff on the highest mountain to shivery dips in ice cold lakes. Then I sigh.

'Why this big sigh?' my inner self asks me knowingly.

'I just dream. I never materialize them' I say sadly.

'QED' my inner self stated smugly.

I knocked her head and pushed her in. 'Don't you dare peep, Even though I don't materialize them. I still will dream. I like to dream. It makes me feel good, and maybe this year I will make an effort to do atleast some of them'

My inner self muttered to herself ' I have heard this one a million times' and yawned.

I gave it an annoyed glance and went to put my 'List of resolutions for the year 2011'

Resolutions for the year 2011

1.The person who will be most important to you this year will be 'YOU' :

(My inner self let out a giggle to stop instantly seeing my murderous glance at it)

I want to quit caring about what others think, and want to care about what I do think in any situation. If I would want to do it with no harm to my conscience. And more than anything, do I really want to do it because I want to do it, and not because others expect me to do it. The person whose opinions matter most would not be others, but me. I mean, They dont live my life, but I do.

('yeah yeah! as if you will follow this one to the 'T'' my inner self peered at me lying on her stomach, while I just gave her a glare and went on to the next one)

2. I will be regular to gym:

(My inner self looked with glee as she thinks she might nearly win the battle that I wont stick to my resolutions as she sees this one, I look stony faced into the computer as I focus and type)

I have started gymming again in the end of last year. Mainly because I had packed up a few kilos in the time I stopped gymming and wish to get them down and get back in shape. But it has been two months since I started to gym, and only one card ('with input for 30 days' which my inner self is kind enough to inform me with her eyes gleaming with fun at my expense) is over. I am feeling low, because I have lost only a kilo in two months when I have 6 or more kilos to go down, and more than that I paid for the fee, not Dad. And it was not a small amount. I need to have the decency to feel guilty about wasting money, atleast when it is my money. But every single thought of guilt or feeling down drifts when morning dawns and I have to get myself out of bed early for gym. But, henceforth I resolve I will be regular to gym, or else I will atleast feel guilty the whole day to have wasted a quarter of my money earned.

(my inner self closes her mouth with her hand stifling a laugh at my attempts to stick to my resolutions)

3. Get up early:

(My inner self bounced up and down in uncontrollable laughter just on hearing the words 'Get up early' , her stomach is hurting so much and her eyes are watering with mirth. Hence I will pass by this resolution as I can not focus on why I need to get up early when I hear her incessant laughter)

'You still have more resolutions', my inner self's heads pops up for a moment from her laughter as she looks all teary eyed and still grinning at me. 'Yeah, Yeah, I do' I muttered.

4. Say no to chocolates:

'I would have laughed through this one too, but you need to have this resolution', my inner self nods in agreement to atleast one of my resolutions.

So yes, I am a choco - ho - lic. Who is not? I would ask. But I am very bad. If the craving comes, I dont even care. I just can single handedly finish 3 whole bars of Temptation in just 20 minutes. But, look at the calories it packs, look at the mood swings it creates inspite of the feel good factor. Look at the acne marks in my face

('Ewwww', my inner self nods in agreement much to my displeasure)

So, I need to stay away from them. They have an amazing feel good factor, but when that feeling good ends, it is packed with mood swings and depression. I have to a certain extent been away from chocolate in the last year. But I am not completely cured. I still dream of the oozing dark chocolate fantasies melting and sticking in my mouth that have a taste which is sinfully delicious automatically when I am depressed. So I gotta get rid of that dream.

('You better do that soon girl' my inner self encourages me)

5. Be Positive:

('Will you ever be girl?' my inner self looks at me with little amusement, 'I hope to, See I am already positive I will stick to these resolutions and not drop them mid way as usual' I grin. 'Ah!' my inner self looks at me still with disbelief. 'Oh! Cummon, my resolutions this time are more practical and something I have to stick to' I coax her into believing)

I have been pulling myself down lately. Well, not lately. I always pull myself down. I am never good enough. I am never smart enough. I am never going to get that lucky draw. I am never going to get the first day first show ticket. I am never going to get my dream job. I am never good at even writing. These negative thoughts dominate me on a daily basis. I never shrug it off with a 'So what?' I keep hammering myself down to the ground till I am so small that I can barely see the light at the end of the tunnel and instead see things that are scary and loom so huge and big before me. I never realise nothing worse can happen. At the most, the worse that can happen to a mortal being is death. Life is a short and beautiful journey between birth and death. Why spend most of it fretting that I am never good enough. I do my best in any situation, and will simply hope for the best. I do what I can do. I am no super woman. Let me do things that make me content. Let me give things my 100%, so even if I do lose in the end, I knew I gave my best.

Being positive, helps you to think and look beyond. You wont be riding a horse in a tin can, but will be reining it in the wild forests with no boundaries.

'There, Dont you think that is an impressive set of resolutions?' I ask my inner self.

'Impressive, if you follow them' my innerself agrees.

'I will, and you better dont deflate me saying that. I will, there is no 'if' I will, I am positive I will' I say in determination.

'Good for you girl, good for me too. Because, that would mean, lesser battles between us, and you doing as I think you ought to do, rather than what people expect you to do' my inner self muses as she re - reads my list of resolutions.

'Yes' I grin.

'So game for it girl' I ask my inner self with joy.

'Count me in' my inner self high fives in approval.


Driving people insane as always!

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