Sunday, January 21, 2007

New Jersey to Nellikuppam - a Home production


Everything in the below script is purely fictitious and has been written for the sole reason for you people to laugh. If you do not laugh after reading it, I warn u beforehand of ‘zanybug’ which will infect you. This bug is on the lookout of people who do not laugh after reading this article!!...highly dangerous bug! So at least pretend to laugh. And the bug will hit you if you question the logic in the article! So all you have to do is read and laugh and no questions what so ever!

Zany Talkies

Proudly presents

New Jersey to Nellikuppam


Panchu & Aanchu

Story, Script, Direction




Hero entry:

Our hero Panchu returns to Chennai from America. His family is waiting in Kodambakkam bus stop (as this film is a low budget film, the hero cannot afford a flight ticket, so he comes all the way from US to Chennai by bus)

A bright yellow color bus stops in front of the big gang of family members…the wind blows in full speed (our usual filmy effects). The bus door opens, and a leg is shown, then another leg is shown. The leg touches the ground and the mud below the feet blows upwards. ‘aaargghh I can’t see’ a voice is heard. (A foul smell spreads around)

Camera moves upwards to Hero’s face…Panchu is rubbing his eyes with his hand. The mud from below went into his eyes….and he is in unbearable irritation. (The result of heroism).

He is wearing a ‘Reeebok’ Tee-shirt, ‘Levees’ jean and a ‘Nikie’ shoe. (courtesy: T.nagar platform).

Mom: Panchu my child how thin have you become?

(While panchu looks like a loaded truck…), and hurries to hug him.

Dad: son you haven’t changed a bit!

Panchu: yes dad, I haven’t changed. See I am even wearing the same clothes in which I went to US 2 years back! (Now you must have understood the reason for the foul smell!)

While going out of the bus stop, Panchu bumps into a girl.

Heroine entry:

That bump sends electrical shivers down both of them that Aanchu our heroine collapses by the electric shock that passed between them. Panchu catches hold of her.

Panchu looks at the girl in his arms. She wears big soda butti spectacles. And looks like one who has escaped from an asylum. Not that Panchu looks any better with his two bug’s bunny teeth! Aanchu regains consciousness and looks at Panchu for a half a minute. They hold eye contact. (And the usual romantic violin plays in the background). Aanchu then flees from that place.

Panchu: who is that girl dad?

Dad: she is the bus masters’ daughter (like station master in station, bus master in bus stop) Aanchu. She will be here most of the day. She sings and chases away all the dogs, cats and rats in the bus stop. At times her songs fled people also when there is a lot of rush in getting tickets.

Panchu: oh, how sweet.

A few days later,

Panchu’s home:

Mom: Panchu get up, the bride’s family is coming home today to see you today, it is the bride groom looking ceremony. At least bath today and look good for them. (Nowadays, it is no longer the bride looking ceremony; it is the reverse case these days)

Bride’s family enters:

Dad: welcome, welcome please make yourself at home.

Mom: welcome.

Dad: go and ask Panchu to come.

Mom: oh yes

Panchu comes inside the hall with the tray of coffee. The bride’s mothers analyses him from top to bottom. He goes and says ‘namaskar’ to everyone and gives the coffee. When he comes at the bride to give coffee, He looks up to see the bride, and she too looks at him. Panchu smiles shyly at her and goes and sits obediently next to his father.

Dad: Panchu is a US return lad. He has done his MBA from New Jersey (here MBA doesn’t mean ‘masters’ in business administration’, it means ‘Masters in Barotta adichufying (beating)’ ) he is a very good son, very calm and polite to elders, and does all the house hold chores just like his mother.

Bride’s Mom: does he sing?

Mom: oh yes, of course Panchu will you sing for them my child.

Panchu: yes mom…

‘A..aa….aaaa’. Everybody closes their ears and the bride’s family flees from the place!

Mom: oh god! What will we do now Panchu, they have rejected you.

The wind blows fiercely and the trees sway from right to left. A thunder storm strikes and a huge down pour follows.

Panchu is trying to hold himself from being taken away by the wind. And says in a Magnamous Decibel… ‘Mom, I vow today that I will marry before that girl who came here within 1 week, or else I will change my name to ‘panchali’’

Dad: son, panchali was your orginal name, it was due to some bet you lost a few years back that you change your name to Panchu.

Panchu glares at his father and says, ‘that doesn’t mean that I will lose always!!’

A few days later. In the middle of the night.

Panchu thinks of Aanchu. He gets up from is bed. Rushes to the bus stop.

Bus stop:

Panchu is running from the left…..

Aanchu is running from the right…

The camera shifts like watching a tennis match from Panchu and Aanchu. It goes on for some 15 minutes. (Panchu shouts at the cameraman, ‘idiot stop, I can’t run any longer!!’ and the camera is stopped)

Panchu runs and falls in Aanchu’s arms.

Panchu: honey, where you coming in search of me?

Aanchu: who me? .Never. I was coming in search of my dog ‘pandu’. And you fell into my arms!

Panchu: never mind honey, dog or me, it is the same difference.

Now for our dream song.

The camera shifts to exotic locations in Chennai. Like the ‘koovam’ river, the ‘Eunix’ waste recycle factory and many more such locations in which Aanchu and Panchu run hand in hand singing duets.

Song ends.

Aanchu is still holding Panchu in her arms

Aanchu: do you love me Paanchu?

Panchu: of course dear and my name has only one ‘a’ it is Panchu and not Paanchu.

Aanchu: oh ok dear, will you do anything for me?

Panchu: I will do anything for you

Aanchu: will you give me your life?

Panchu: what? Who told you I will give you my life, never will I give my fit for nothing life to anyone.


Aanchu puts Panchu down and flees from there, leaving Panchu to deal with his broken bones.

Panchu at that moment gets a call from his friend that his house is in fire.

Panchu rushes to his house with the firemen, to find his house calm. When he goes inside, his father looks like fire at him. (The friend indicated this fire and not the real fire). The firemen blast Panchu for ruining their precious sleep and leave the house.

Panchu: what happened dad?

Dad: who is she?

Panchu: who?

Dad: I heard you are going around with a girl?

Panchu: then, will I go around with a guy? What stupid question is this dad?

Dad: you cannot marry that Aanchu girl

Panchu: why are you spoiling things like this? Nobody will marry me is known to me, and Aanchu says she wants to marry me, why should I spoil such an opportunity?

Dad: if you marry her, I will not give you any share in my property, and you cannot live in this house.

Panchu: your property? You are talking as if you have pots of gold and acres of land. All that you have is your old, torn dhoti and shirt, who needs them? And if that is your decision I am walking away from this house.

Panchu packs his bag, while his Mom pleads to his Dad not to let him go, and his Dad warns his Mom, if she stops him, she may as well go with him. His Mom says, ‘oh, I can’t go and live with him, just for the sake he is our son and I have to show mother sentiment in the movie am I asking him to stop. If he wants to go, let him go, I will open the doors much wider for him to go’

Panchu then goes to the bus stop and wakes Aanchu and they both go to the nearby temple and they both get married. (background music…’mangalyam thanthunathena…’..)

Anchu: where are we going to live Panchu?

Panchu: Aanchu do not ask stupid questions like that, I have not built a taj mahal for us to live. I can only get you its photo. We have to go in search of some place.

They land at the house broker’s house.

The broker tells them there is an amazing bungalow just for them, and its rent is very cheap of just Rs. 250 per month.

Panchu and Aanchu go to that place. It is in Nellikuppam. The broker takes them to a straw hut, which looks ravishingly tattered.

Broker: this is you dream bungalow Panchu

Panchu: oh. It looks beautiful

Broker: near the house you get a free offer of this group of buffaloes. They are absolutely free along with this house. So you can have hot coffee every morning in fresh buffalo milk directly from them. , and Panchu, but one condition never let Aanchu sing, or else all the buffaloes will run away.

He shows them the river containing all the possible contamination, running along side the hut and says this is the Kuppam River. ‘You can swim scuba dive and even bath in this river and have a wonderful time. Nobody will bother you here, even if you drown and die or get infections. It is such a peaceful locality.’

Panchu and Aanchu are very happy with the house, and agree to rent it.

And thus like all stories, the couple lived happily stinking ever after with buffalo milk coffee and Kuppam River bath!

Thank you


Driving people insane as always


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